I hate all girls vehemently.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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