apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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