WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
