i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
