Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
