ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
