In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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