I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
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Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize