After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
