seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
