just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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