I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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