My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
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