Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
