I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
