nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
