I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
