I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
