i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
