P.S. I can't hear my feet
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
