I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
