He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
