I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
