You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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