i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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