my phone needs a breathalizer
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
