we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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