WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
