okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
