I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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