We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
