Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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