I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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