It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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