Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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