I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
never play flip cup with pint glasses
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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