What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
