Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
