when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
