My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
