I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
