just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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