You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
