Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
