I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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