You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
