Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
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