At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
