My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
