Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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