I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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