my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
