Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
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