we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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